I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Shame - the story of my life.
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