I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
