Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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