Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
