I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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