9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
