Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
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