Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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