Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
