John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
