Apparently you make a good broom.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
