when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
How does one acquire holy water?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
