True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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