captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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