Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
