On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
