he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
