I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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