I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
