the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
