When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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