dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
