11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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