I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
