I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You did what with his pubic hair?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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