If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
