I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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