currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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