Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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