I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
