i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
