best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
