i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
