So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
