I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
