OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
