I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
