I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
