Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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