dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
