if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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