I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
