You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
