I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
