Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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