When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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