you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
