im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
