piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
