I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
