My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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