I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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