Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
